


There’s Nothing I Can Say

by theultimatefangirl2002



Series: Did I Even Make A Sound? [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attack, So Big So Small, Suicidal Thoughts, Words Fail, You know the musical you know what’s in here, anxiety attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 09:38:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15771492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theultimatefangirl2002/pseuds/theultimatefangirl2002
Summary: “We failed him!” Cynthia choked back tears and suddenly, Evan was talking- yelling. “No you didn’t- you didn’t fail him!!”All eyes turned to him. Cynthia was yelling back at him. “Look at what he wrote!”“He didn’t write it!” The words were out before he could stop himself. He just barely managed the next words. “I wrote it.”





	There’s Nothing I Can Say

**Author's Note:**

> TW: everything in the tags

Evan wasn’t sure how long it had taken him to get to the Murphys’. He wanted more than anything to be home, in the corner of his room, alone, where no one could possibly find him, but he had to be here. He had to try to fix what he’d broken.

 

When he had gotten there, Larry had pulled him inside faster than he had expected. Nothing had happened to the house so far, but Evan knew that Mr. Murphy wasn’t taking any chances. With how poorly the last interaction between his family and Evan’s went, the last thing that he needed was to call Heidi Hansen to tell her that something had happened to her son while he was standing on his porch.

 

Not that she would care, anyways. Once she saw the note and the post, it would all be over. Any faith that she still had in Evan would be gone. She’d hate him for what he had done to this family that had already been through so much. How could she not?! God knows that Evan hated himself for it.

 

_Then why did he do it in the first place? Why did he keep lying?! Why did he listen to Connor, instead of admitting to everything?! Why did he send Alana that note? It would be so much simpler. It would all be over and it wouldn’t matter anymore…_

 

Cynthia’s voice rose up an octave, the way that Evan had grown to understand meant she was near tears, like him. _My fault_ , the words rang out in his mind as she spoke. “Where did they get Connor’s note?!” She asked no one, because no one knew the answer- except for Evan, but she didn’t know that and she shouldn’t know that because then she would hate Evan and they would all hate Evan more than he hated himself…

 

“I don’t know.” Larry supplied, attempting to make sense of the mess himself.

 

Evan’s voice was soft as he tried to add something- anything- to the conversation, to help in his useless way. “I tried to call Alana, but she’s not answering…” He didn’t think the Murphy’s heard them- why should they hear him? He didn’t deserve to be heard by them, especially not now in the middle of the mess that _he’d_ made…

 

_He had really done it this time._

 

Cynthia had cut him off, sounding terrified and angry and upset all at once. “Some of these are adults. Do you see their pictures?!” She pointed to the screen, where Evan could only assume was the profile picture of one of the many people who had contributed to the Orchard Donation and made some horrible comment about this family that Evan had grown to care about, that didn’t deserve to be thrown in the middle of the shambles of Evan’s life. “These are adults!”

 

Zoe’s phone began to buzz and ring on the table, the noise scaring Evan so much he flinched away from it and suddenly everything was amplified, making it all so much worse. His palms were sweating, his hands shaking. It was only a matter of time before they accused him of giving Alana the note, of realizing that he was the only other person who had it and then it would all fall open and oh _god_ what would happen when it fell open?! He didn’t want to keep lying- he wanted them to know- but he didn’t want this to end, he didn’t want his new friends- his _family_ \- to leave him the way that dad, Jared, Alana, mom- _everyone-_ else did.

 

He had missed what they had said, but Zoe had the phone to her ear and was listening, her face unreadable and emotionless. The silence felt heavy on his shoulders, weighing down so hard on his lungs that he could barely breathe. “Who is it?” Larry asked, unable to bare the silence. “Who is it-”

 

“Have fun with your miserable life, bye.” Zoe said softly before pulling her phone down and hanging up, dropping it back onto the table with a loud thud that echoed in Evan’s head. _What did they say to her, did they threaten her… Ohgod if they threatened her, would they actually carry it out?! If they hurt her it’s my fault my fault myfault… They can’t hurt her they can’t hurt any of them please_ …

 

“What’s the number?” Larry pressed, his eyes darting from the now silent phone to his daughter’s impassive expression.

 

“It’s blocked. Who cares?” Zoe looked up at her parents. The lack of expression clearly meant that they’d said something terrible- _oh god_ … Evan wiped his hands anxiously on his sweatshirt, wishing he could just _leave_ _forever_ , wishing he wasn’t such a _mistake_ , wishing he hadn’t _lied_ … _Why had he lied?_

 

“What did they say to you?” Cynthia asked.

 

“It doesn’t matter.” Zoe said, her eyes moving down to her clenched hand on the table.

 

“Did they threaten you?” Larry demanded, but Zoe cut him off, her tone suddenly angry, “It doesn’t matter, dad!”

 

Cynthia stood up, shaking her head as she moved towards the other side of the room. “That’s it, I’m calling the police.” She grasped her purse, sticking her hand into it as she began to search for her phone.

 

Larry carefully moved towards her, putting a hand on her shoulder, drawing her back from the bag. “Right now, maybe the best thing to do is just wait and see if this blows over.”

 

Cynthia shook her head as she turned, scoffing. Her expression had turned slightly angry, which scared Evan. He hadn’t ever seen Cynthia angry- she always did her best to be calm and collected whenever Evan was there. He didn’t _want_ to see her angry, he couldn’t… “That’s always your solution, isn’t it? Do nothing.”

 

“Is that what I said?” Larry asked, retracting his hand as his tone rose a little too. He seemed to know where the conversation was going. Evan knew that if he could think, he probably would too- but he couldn’t think- he didn’t _want_ to think anymore- so he didn’t understand because he _never_ understood…

 

Evan just wanted them to stop, wanted to make them understand that Larry was right- waiting was the best thing to do because there wasn’t anything else they _could_ do. He should just _say something_ so they’d _understand_ , but he couldn’t make his mouth move, couldn’t make himself talk. It was like his body wasn’t responding to his thoughts anymore, like he could only watch as this family tore itself apart because of Evan Evan _Evan_.

 

Zoe’s voice was soft, yet it made Evan flinch anyways. She had been so quiet. Her voice was usually calming to him, but he couldn’t _think_ or _breathe_. “Can you guys please just stop-”

 

“Wait and see. Let’s wait and see, right, Larry?” Cynthia was saying, almost ranting.

 

Larry cut her off, his voice rising slightly. Not angry, but just… upset. “Well, what are the police going to do? It’s the internet! They’re going to arrest the internet?” _He’s right_. Evan thought, wanting to agree and tell Cynthia to calm down because it would all be okay eventually- but he didn’t _know_ that and she knew he didn’t know that and she’d get mad at him and they’d all get mad at him because they’d figure everything out and then he could add the Murphy’s to the list of people he’d driven away. But _he should say_ something _before this gets even worse because he can’t have them hate each other because of him he couldn’t live with that_ …

 

Cynthia shook her head, stepping closer to her husband, whose eyes widened slightly as she continued to speak, the anger seeping back into her tone. “I had to beg you every step of the way-”

 

“Okay, hold on-” Larry protested, but Cynthia’s voice rose above his. “For rehab, for therapy-”

 

Evan’s mouth was moving before he could really think and comprehend what he was doing, what he wanted to say to them. He just wanted them to _stop arguing_. He wanted it all to stop- he wanted Alana to take down the stupid letter and stop this before anything else happened to this family. They didn’t deserve this. “I really think they’re going to stop…” His words rang out loudly in his mind, but he didn’t think they came out that way because no one so much as looked at him and no one listened.

 

“You went lurching from one miracle cure to the next!” Larry’s voice rose over his wife’s. Evan shrunk back a little, gripping his phone tightly through his sweatshirt pocket while the other wiped up and down his jeans, trying to stop the sweating because if his palms would stop sweating he’d be able to think straight and if he could think straight maybe he’d see the obvious solution staring him in the face, but because his palms were too sweaty, he couldn’t see it and he didn’t know what to do… He _never_ knew what to do.

 

Cynthia laughed- a hard, mean sort of laugh that almost scared Evan more than her angry tone. _I need to fix this- I need to get Alana to_ take it down now _because this can’t go on anymore, this can’t I can’t…_ “‘Miracle cure’? Really. Is that what you call it?”

 

Larry glared at her, his tone reaching the same hard, mean tone as his wife which scared Evan more than anything that he had heard them say before. “Because all he needed was another twenty thousand dollar weekend yoga retreat.”

 

“Maybe I should try calling Alana again?” Evan thought out loud, his tone soft and quick because he wasn’t thinking. However, he had offered the solution to no one, because no one was paying him any attention- the Murphy’s were so caught up in their own argument to notice him. For one of the first times in his life, he was relieved that no one was paying attention to him.

 

“And what was your alternative? Other than picking apart everything I did?” Cynthia asked, the hard tone replaced with emotion and _anger_.

 

“Putting him on a program and _sticking_ to it.” Larry said firmly. _Him_ … _They’re talking about Connor_ , Evan realized, delayed. His mind hurt from thinking so much- he just wanted them to _stop arguing_. He hated that they were mad, he hated why they were mad- but most of all, he hated himself for making them mad and for lying and being so overwhelmingly _Evan_.

 

Zoe spoke loudly and suddenly, startling Evan. She turned in her seat towards her family, leaving Evan completely out of the conversation now. “No, you wanted to punish him!”

 

“Listen to your daughter, Larry.” Cynthia gestured towards Zoe forcefully.

 

“You treated him like a criminal!” Zoe kept going and now she was really angry too and Evan knew it was only a matter of time before they got angry at him and he couldn’t do that he couldn’t take it if all of them were angry at him…

 

“Are you listening?” Cynthia asked and Evan’s heart leapt. He looked up, desperate to explain that he was listening when he realized she was looking at her husband, who looked trapped and angry and… sad.

 

Zoe looked towards her mom now. “You think you were any better? You let him do whatever he wanted.” _They’re all mad at each other and it’s all my fault all my fault…_ Evan wiped his hand along his sweatshirt, desperate for it to stop sweating so he could try and explain and understand and fix…

 

“Thank you.” Larry said with another gesture at his daughter before falling into a chair next to her, his hand hitting the table with a loud _thud_ that caused Evan to flinch.

 

 _Maybe it’s over_ , he thought hopefully. _Maybe they’re all argued out and they can calm down and think rationally and figure something out and I can leave and figure out how to make this all disappear_ …

 

Cynthia moved so she was standing beside her husband’s chair, leaning on the table. “When he threatened to kill himself the first time, do you remember what you said?” Evan’s stomach clenched at the phrase. _The first time_ …?

 

“Oh for Christs sake.” Larry shut his eyes, shaking his head.

 

Evan didn’t know why, but the words kept ringing in his head- _threatened to kill himself the first time_ … He didn’t know why, he didn’t understand why he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Maybe because, for the millionth time, he could envision having a real friend that wasn’t based on lies or a family bond, a friend that understood what it felt like to be standing on the top of a tree and let go…

 

Cynthia stressed the next words before standing upright again.“‘He just wants attention.’”

 

Larry’s tone rose slightly as he sat upright, his hands out as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I’m not going to sit here and defend myself-“

 

Cynthia sounded desperate, her voice shaking a little. “He was _getting better_. Ask Evan, tell him Evan.” She walked towards him and suddenly, he couldn’t think anymore.

 

 _No no no no no nonono_ … “I shouldn’t, um…” He found himself stuttering, in the center of the family argument that he shouldn’t have been there for because he wasn’t apart of the Murphy family- no matter _what_ he wanted, he _wasn't_ and he couldn’t live up to their standards anyways.

 

Cynthia turned away from him without an answer, moving back towards Larry. “Evan did everything he could.”

 

 _We weren’t friends_. _I lied to you. I’ve been lying to you for months and months_. Evan’s stomach twisted.

 

Larry barely looked at him with his next words, the accusation clear in this tone as he argued with his wife- although who he was accusing, Evan couldn’t tell- _probably him_. “Evan was in denial of what was happening right in front of him-“

 

“Don’t put him in the middle of this.” Zoe yelled back, but the words rang in his head again and again and again as they fought and fought and _fought_ …

 

Their words blurred together, both of them so loud and so angry and so _terrifying_. Evan couldn’t distinguish between their voices, could barely hear words over his ragged breaths. He was vaguely aware of the tears beginning to run down his face as his chest got tighter and tighter and heavier and heavier. _He couldn’t listen to this, he had to make them stop, he couldn’t let them do this to themselves when it was_ his fault _and they shouldn’t do this because it’s all_ his fault his fault hisfault…

 

Cynthia’s voice cut through his thoughts, desperate and emotional and it _hurt_ Evan to hear, it _hurt_ … “...he was trying-”

 

“And he was failing!” Larry yelled back.

 

“We failed him!” Cynthia choked back tears and suddenly, Evan was talking- _yelling_. “No you didn’t- you didn’t _fail_ him!!”

 

All eyes turned to him and he was shaking and sweating and crying and _he couldn’t do this anymore he couldn’t he just couldn't_ … Cynthia was yelling back at him. “Look at what he wrote!”

 

“He didn’t write it!” The words were out before he could stop himself. The weight pressed harder on his chest as sobs forced their way out of his throat, choking him. He just barely managed the next words. “I wrote it.”

 

He was sobbing and he was pathetic and _theyknewtheyknewtheyknew_ … He’d told them- he’d done it again, it was all falling apart, it was all going to collapse and it was done and _they knew_.

 

“You…” Cynthia shook her head before finishing her sentence. She wasn’t yelling anymore, Evan noticed as he choked out another sob, ugly and there and _they knew_ … “You didn’t write Connor’s suicide note, Evan.”

 

 _She didn’t understand. None of them did._ “I-It wasn’t a-“ Another sob forced its way out of his throat as he found himself hunching forwards, hands on his knees as he tried to _breathe_.

 

Connor’s voice was speaking in his mind again. _“Wasn’t it, though?”_ Evan looked up and saw the dead Murphy standing behind his family, all of them staring at Evan, confused and concerned- except for Connor. He just looked… disappointed.

 

His words rang out in his head again. _“Wasn’t it, though?”_

 

Evan forced himself upright, forced himself to _breathe_ because he couldn’t hyperventilate, not in the Murphy’s house, not now… “It was an assignment from my therapist.” He choked out, sobs ripping at his throat as he spoke because he’d wanted to get it out for such a long time, he never wanted this to go so far, he never wanted to mess up _this badly_ … “Write a letter to yourself, a pep talk- ‘Dear Evan Hansen: Today is going to be an amazing day and here’s why’.”

 

Larry didn’t seem to understand. None of them did. “I… I don’t…”

 

Evan kept _talking_ because he couldn’t stop himself and he had to _explain_ so it would be _done_ and he… he could be done… he could be done with all of it, just like Connor said… “I was supposed to bring it to my appointment and Connor took it from me and I guess he must have had it with him when…” Evan choked, _hating_ himself. “When you found him and…” He couldn’t do further. He couldn’t make himself say it- couldn’t say _I lied to you, I did this, it’s my fault, I’m sorry_ because they’d hate him and they will hate him and they _do_ hate it…

 

“What are you talking about?” Zoe didn’t seem to understand, but she sounded… mad. She sounded mad _she sounded mad she hated him_ … _Connor was right he was right he was always right_ …

 

Evan shook his head furiously, unable to breathe as he tried to explain, tried to choke out one more thing so they could truly hate him… “W...We weren’t friends…” He broke off, tears running down his face as he leaned forwards again, trying to _breathe_ but he just couldn’t, he couldn’t, he _couldn’t breathe_ …

 

 _He didn’t deserve to breathe_.

 

Cynthia was shaking her head, her hand over her mouth as she repeated her words over and over again. “No… no… no… no…”

 

Connor’s eyes met his from behind his family and he shook his head. Evan’s eyes welled with tears and he shut them, trying unsuccessfully to choke down a sob so he could just _calm down_ and then they wouldn’t feel bad about hating him and they could just make him _leave_ … “I… I-“ Evan broke off again. He didn’t know what he was trying to say- didn’t know what he _could_ say. Nothing could fix this- nothing Evan could say would make this any better. “I’m sorry.” He choked out, another ugly sob forcing it’s way through his throat. “I-I didn’t mean… I never wanted... “ His brain was moving too fast, he couldn’t put his thoughts into words. He _was_ hyperventilating, a dull part of him realized.

 

The Murphy’s looked stunned, unable to comprehend the broken, lying mess that was Evan in front of them. None of them moved towards him, none of them moved at _all_. They just stared at him as he hyperventilated and cried and _confessed_ that everything that they had known about their dead son was a _lie_ \- a lie that Evan created, that _Evan_ kept telling, that was _all Evan’s fault_.

 

Finally, Larry shook his head and spoke. “But you knew about the orchard. He took you to the orchard.”

 

Cynthia nodded, unable to _understand_. “That’s where you broke your arm…”

 

Evan shook his head. He didn’t want to keep talking- he wanted to _run_ , run away from all of this- from this family that now _hated_ him, from his home, from this stupid town, from _himself_. “I broke my arm in Elison State Park, by myself.” He was pounding his arm against his chest, he realized, because maybe if they saw how much of a fucking _mess_ he was, they’d let him leave and he could go home and…

 

_And do what?_

 

Connor raised an eyebrow, his arms crossed from behind his family. The words rang out in his head again. _“Wasn’t it, though?”_

 

“No, no, that day at the orchard. You and Connor at the orchard…” Cynthia choked up, putting a hand over her mouth. Evan shook his head, unable to keep talking- how could he keep talking, when all talking had done was ruin _everything_? If he’d just shut up and told the truth from the beginning, none of this would have happened and the Murphy’s would just be another family, a family that wasn’t broken apart by Evan, a family that was _normal_ and untouched by _him_. Cynthia collapsed into a chair, her shoulders shaking. “Oh god…” She gasped, tears running down her face. _He’d made her cry_. Evan shook his head again, _hating himself_.

 

“But… you told me that he… that you guys would talk about me and…” Zoe looked up, tears in her eyes- tears that _Evan_ had caused. “How could you do this?!” She didn’t yell it, but it felt like she did- her words stuck in his chest like bullets, each one hurting worse than the last because he didn’t _know_ how he could have done this, _why did he do this, why whywhywhy_ …

 

Evan shook his head, unable to speak as he cried, leaning forwards again because he couldn’t _breathe_. All that he had wanted was a _family_ , to fit in somewhere and be… be accepted for who he was- he wanted to help the Murphy’s with their grief, he wanted to like Zoe and have her like him for no other reason that he was _him_ \- he’d wanted to make friends, to have _a_ friend and not just an acquaintance or family friend, he’d wanted to _be noticed_. And he had. He’d been noticed, he’d gotten all of those things at the expense of a lie that shouldn’t have been told- and now, it was all falling apart. _He_ was falling apart- although he didn’t think he could have fallen apart anymore than he already had.

 

He couldn’t say anything- he couldn’t explain himself. There wasn’t any sort of worthy explanation he could give. Nothing could make sense all of the things that he had done. Evan glanced up from the ground. He expected them to start yelling, to throw things, to do _something_ , but all of them just sat- watching him as he hyperventilated. It was worse than being mad. Evan felt faint, like he was going to collapse. He just… He wanted to _leave_ … He didn’t want to stay in this house any longer- to stay in the house where his fake friend Connor Murphy had lived before killing himself, where Connor Murphy’s family had cared for him and helped him, where Evan had lied to them and hurt them when he should have helped them.

 

Zoe got to her feet, tears running down her face as she backed away from Evan, shaking her head. He’d lied to her, too. Connor’s voice rang out in his head, loud and angry, the words from earlier replaying in his broken mind. _“Except you didn’t happen to mention that everything you’ve told her, it’s all be one big fucking lie, did you? Oh. You left that part out.”_ Evan desperately wanted to tell her that he hadn’t lied about liking her, that he did like her and that he was so sorry for everything that he’d done, for all of this- for Connor, for lying, for him- but he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t _breathe_. He watched as Zoe ran from the room, crying. Cynthia followed, her cries hurting Evan more than almost anything.

 

Larry stayed for a moment, his eyes on Evan, silent and impassive. He couldn’t tell what Larry was thinking- Evan didn’t want to _know_ what he was thinking. He didn’t want to know… He shook his head before stepping out of the room, following his grieving, upset family- the family that Evan had broken.

 

Connor, who had been silent, looked away from the empty doorway, towards Evan. His eyes were cold, his arms crossed as he leaned against the wall. “Well.” His voice was emotionless. “That was shitty.”

 

Evan shut his eyes, shaking his head furiously as he stumbled backwards. His back hit the wall and he flinched, a sob bursting from his mouth. “What did I tell you?” Connor added after a moment of silence. “That lie was the only thing keeping them together.” The silence felt like a knife, stabbing Evan in the heart. _His fault his fault his fault_ … The dead Murphy shook his head before following his family, dissipating into nothingness as he walked.

 

And then, Evan was alone.

 

********************

 

_I never meant to make it such a mess._

_I never thought that it would go this far._

_So I just stand here, sorry, searching for something to say._

_Anything to say._

 

_Words fail._

_There’s nothing I can say._

 

The silence was so loud. Evan’s head throbbed as he slowly made his way home, out of the Murphy’s house and _away_ so they wouldn’t ever have to deal with him ever ever again.

 

God, he was such a screw up. He’d messed up the one thing that was good- not only in his life, but in so many others lives. The entire reason this whole thing started was because Evan couldn’t speak, he couldn’t be normal, he couldn’t… couldn’t _help_ without lying. But he’d messed it all up- it was all so broken that there wasn’t any hope of it getting better. The Murphy’s would save themselves and their reputation by exposing Evan, everything would fall apart, everyone would laugh at him and taunt him and hurt him for what he did and he deserved it because what he did was terrible.

 

He choked back tears, wiping at his eyes with a shaking hand. He had nothing left. It hit him with what felt like a slap across the face. No friends, no family, no one that cared. No one would talk to him or pay attention to him or… He didn’t _matter_ anymore.

 

What would it look like if the co-president of the Connor Project committed suicide? Would it make the entire project meaningless? Would it cause the entire project- Orchard, followers, and all- to fall apart? Even if it was all made on a lie, it was important. Not just because of what was happening here, in this town, but what was happening _everywhere_ to so many kids everywhere. If Evan killed himself… Alana would have to pretend to be heartbroken, his mom would have to pay for a funeral and those were expensive, his school would have to have another suicide prevention assembly and he would disappear the way Connor had for those weeks, just another dead kid who no one remembers- except this time, no one would lie and make a big deal about it and he would just disappear and stay gone forever.

 

Evan shut his eyes, leaning against a tree as he walked through the park, his head pounding as he struggled to breathe. _It sounded nice._ But of course, he couldn’t- because it would cause more bad than good for Alana and Jared and the Murphy’s and mom and… _He was doing it again_. He realized as he forced himself to keep walking forwards. He was thinking too much- if he just _calmed down_ and _stopped thinking_ , maybe he’d be able to do something and fix this. One way or another.

 

_I guess I thought I could be part of this._

_I’ve never had this kind of thing before._

_I never had the perfect girl who somehow could see the good part of me._

_I never had the dad who stuck it out._

_No corny jokes or baseball gloves._

_No mom who just was there because mom was all that she had to be._

 

_That’s not a worthy explanation._

_I know there is none._

_Nothing can make sense of all these things I’ve done._

 

_Words fail._

_There’s nothing I can say._

_Except sometimes you see everything you’ve wanted._

_You see everything you wish you had and it’s right there._

_Right there, just right there._

 

Now they’re gone, Evan thought, slowing down because he really didn’t want to go home, but home was the only place left for him to go. It was dark out, the lights from the lamps dimly lighting up the world around him, but the entire world had gone colorless at the edges.

 

It didn’t excuse the fact that he’d fucked up so badly and ruined the lives of three perfectly normal people- nothing did. Cynthia- who had cared so deeply about Connor and didn’t know how to get through to him, who tried so desperately to get through to Evan and made him feel acceptable and found-, Larry- who hadn’t known how to care for Connor but done the best he could, who was like the father that Evan never had-, and Zoe. _Zoe_ , the one girl in the entire world who saw Evan as… as _something_ , as a human, as a boyfriend. The girl who had finally seen Evan after years and _years_ of him trying to be noticed. The girl who might have loved him if he wasn’t such a fuck up.

 

_And you want to believe it’s true._

_So you make it true._

_And you think,_

_Maybe, everybody wants it, or needs it a little bit too._

 

_This was just a sad invention._

_It wasn’t real, I know._

_But we were happy._

_I guess I couldn’t let that go._

_I guess I couldn’t give that up._

_I guess I wanted to believe._

_Cause if I just believe, then I don’t have to see what’s really there._

 

Evan paused, suddenly. He’d stopped by a park bench, but he couldn’t make himself sit under it. It was under the light and Evan had had enough of spot lights. His eyes moved from the lamp-post up to the tree behind it, the colorful leaves on top of the branches. He shut his eyes and he thought, desperately, _Maybe it’ll look different from all the way up there._ Despite himself, a laugh burst out of him, followed quickly by a sob. _Maybe this time it’ll be different_ …

 

_No, I’d rather pretend I’m something other than these broken parts._

_Pretend I’m something other than this mess that I am._

_Cause then I don’t have to look at it._

_And no one has to look at it._

_No, no one can really see._

 

_Cause I’ve learned to slam on the breaks,_

_Before I even turn the key._

_Before I make the mistake._

_Before I leave with the worst of me._

_I never let them see the worst of me._

 

Evan didn’t fully register it, but he was crying again- almost hysterically. His eyes had fallen to the ground and he realized this entire body was shaking. He should be writing this down, he realized in the back of his mind as he looked up at the tree again. So everyone understands. He hadn’t realized it until now, but it seemed almost inescapable- climbing to the top of the tree again. Because maybe it would look different- maybe he would understand and… if he didn’t, he could always… let go. Maybe he and Connor could really be friends in the afterlife. Then maybe it wouldn’t be a total lie…

 

Evan shut his eyes, falling onto the bench and putting his head in his hands, blocking out all light as his breathing picked up again. _If he did this, it would all be over. It would all stop_ … He just wanted everything to stop… He just wanted to stop thinking, to stop moving, to stop… being him. He wanted to stop being so fucking _broken_.

 

_‘Cause what if everyone saw?_

_What if everyone knew?_

_Would they like what they saw?_

_Or would they hate it too?_

 

He shook his head, pushing it further between his knees, hearing only his ragged breaths as he struggled to breathe for what felt like the millionth time in the last hour. They’d hate it. Everyone would hate it if they knew. Everyone who does know hates him… So would the rest of the world. So _will_ the rest of the world, he corrected himself. Because when the Murphy’s tell everyone, it’ll all be over and his secret will be out and everyone will hate him even more for tricking them and the Connor Project won’t matter anymore and neither with anything else because Evan will just be Evan and no one will care about him.

 

Which is why it was right to climb that tree, to go higher and higher and higher until he could barely see the ground.

 

Because this time he _would_ die.

 

_Will I just keep on running away from what’s true?_

_All I ever do is run._

_So how do I step in?_

_Step into the sun_ …

 

“Hello…?” A voice rang loudly in Evan’s head and he sat upright, heart racing again. A woman was standing in front of him, a small child by her side. Her eyes widened at his expression, but her tone remained the same. “Are you okay?”

 

Evan nodded his head furiously, wanting her to just leave so he could think and climb the tree. She didn’t seem convinced, which made Evan hate himself more. _If he wasn’t having a panic attack in the middle of the park, maybe it would be easier to think_.

 

The woman knelt down in front of him and Evan took a deep breath in, trying to calm himself down because now he wasn’t alone anymore and he had to be presentable so she wouldn’t hate him but he also had to leave before she recognized him as the kid from the Connor Project and then she’d feel bad for him but then she’d figure out why he was out here all alone and she’d hate him. “Sweetie, it’s okay.” She said softly. “I’m not going to hurt you, I promise. I just want to help…”

 

Evan had just wanted to help too. And look where he was now, he thought before shutting his eyes and shaking his head. “I-I’m sorry…” He muttered, his voice sounding loud and echoey in his head.

 

“No, no, don’t be sorry… Why are you out here all by yourself?” The woman asked hesitantly.

 

And Evan couldn’t tell her because she’d hate him if she knew. She’d call his mom, but his mom wouldn’t answer because she was probably at work and even if she did answer, once she found out why this person was calling her, she’d hang up because she hated Evan for what he had done. He shook his head again, dropping his head into his hands as he attempted unsuccessfully to even out his breathing.

 

“Okay, okay…” She said quickly. “It’s alright, I promise… Can you tell me what your name is?”

 

Evan shook his head again because if he told her, she’d definitely know where he was from and… He choked on another sob and shook his head again, as if one time hadn’t been enough. “S-Sorry…” He repeated, hating himself for speaking and making this random woman worry and feel like she had to care about him and make sure he was okay.

 

She didn’t say anything for a moment as the silence was filled with the sounds of the park and Evan’s uneven, shaky breathing. “Do you know what your mom or dad’s phone number is?” The woman asked a few moments later.

 

Evan’s head shot up from where it was. His mom wouldn’t come because she hated him. Neither would his dad. No one would come. He had no one anymore.

 

He should go before she asked more questions. He couldn’t do any more questions- he had to leave before she figured out who he was because if she did then she would abandon him and… Evan shut his eyes. _It doesn’t matter anyways._

 

“Sweetie? Do you know-“ Evan stood up, cutting off the woman. “What are you-“

 

He shook his head. “I-I’m okay.” _Well, not really- I’m never okay but you don’t have to know about that_. “S-Sorry.” Despite his lack of breath, he started to run, ignoring the calls from the woman and leaving the tree behind him.

 

********************

 

A single light was on in his house- the living room light. His mom's car was in the driveway.

 

Evan could barely breathe. The longer he had run from the park, the more tired he had become, the more it hurt, and the more sure he was that he was broken inside now too. He had run until he had to stop, too exhausted to take another step. He had run until he collapsed on the sidewalk and heaved, throwing up as he cried, which made him cry more.

 

_Now someone would have to clean that up and he was such an inconvenience and he was so so stupid and why had he run from that stupid tree he should have climbed it and jumped while he had the chance…_

 

The thoughts exhausted him, suddenly and completed. It _all_ exhausted him- he felt too tired to take another step, to keep moving because maybe someone would come and get him- but he knew no one would. He made himself move, his mind and body feeling heavy. He just wanted it to stop…

 

But somehow he had made it to his house. He would have to face him mom… or maybe she would ignore him and let him go up to his room and cry and hate himself and be alone until morning, when he could go back to the park and maybe find that tree again…

 

It was all just… so tiring…  

 

Slowly, Evan pushed open the door. It creaked slightly as it shut behind him. He slipped off his shoes, glad for something to concentrate on other than his mind. It got so loud sometimes that he couldn’t think because he was just thinking too much… It was so tiring… _god_ Evan was so exhausted. He wiped at his face again- incase his mom did want to see him for some reason- and slowly made his way towards the stairs.

 

She was sitting on the couch in the living room, curled up with a blanket and her laptop balanced on her knees. It looked like she had been crying- _oh god had she been threatened because of what Evan did he couldn’t live with that he couldn’t_ \- She looked up as he entered the room and she relaxed- _why_ , Evan wondered- before looking back at her laptop. “Have you seen this?” Evan’s stomach clenched. _They did it the Murphy’s told everyone oh god_ \- “The note that Connor Murphy…”

 

 _Oh_. With everything else that had happened, Evan had nearly forgotten about that- if it was possible. The repercussions were all he could think about.

 

Evan nodded, slightly delayed. He couldn’t say anything- he was just waiting for her to start yelling at him. He just… he wanted it to be over so he could go upstairs and be alone- for once he just wanted to _be alone_. He was so tired… His mom kept talking. “It’s all over everyone’s Facebook… ‘Dear Evan Hansen’.” She looked up at Evan’s face, but he couldn’t make himself meet her gaze. “Did you… you wrote this? This note?” Slowly, Evan nodded, not really caring anymore. He shut his eyes, hating himself. He was so tired of being so scared and so upset and so much crying and so… so broken… “I didn’t know.”

 

She didn’t sound mad, which confused him. “No one did.” Evan answered softly.

 

“No, that’s not…” She shut her eyes, shaking her head. Evan didn’t understand what was happening- it was the first time in what felt like years that he had had a conversation with someone that didn’t end up with someone yelling at him. The first conversation with his mom in forever that felt like she was… like she was actually here, listening… “I… I didn’t know that you… that you were… hurting. Like that. That you felt so… I didn’t know.” She looked up at him, her eyes teary, which made Evan feel terrible. It was the third person that he’d made cry in the past few hours. “How did I not know?!”

 

“Because I never told you.” Evan mumbled, his eyes on the ground. She made him feel guilty- should he have told her? He’d debated it for a while- because maybe she could help- but then he realized it would just be another inconvenience, another waste of money on the therapy sessions that weren’t working, on the pills that didn’t do much… another thing for his mother to have to fix about him.

 

“You shouldn’t have had too.” Her eyes met his and he watched as a tear ran down her face. Evan bit his lip, hating himself for making his mother cry. He wasn’t sure what to do- he didn’t… he just felt so exhausted. He just wanted to be _done_ with it all.

 

Words spilled out of his mouth again. “I lied. About… so many things. Not just Connor…” He stopped, wondering if… if it was right- if he should tell her. If she would really care… But she didn’t seem mad- she didn’t seem mad at him at all and… He found himself talking again. “Last summer, I just… I felt so alone and…” His voice broke and he looked down, not wanting to cry anymore despite the tears welling in his eyes again. His face felt wet and itchy. Evan was just… so so tired…

 

“You can tell me.” His mom said softly, looking worried and concerned and sad. He hated it when she looked like that. Especially when she wanted him to tell her… tell her what he’d…

 

Evan shut his eyes, shaking his head because he wasn’t sure if he could- not when it was so fresh, so… so open in his mind because he’d end up confessing what he’d wanted just a few minutes ago and she’d have to bring him to the doctor for something to make him not want to die and it’ll cost more and- He shook his head again. He was tired of thinking. He just wanted to have a break from… from being trapped inside his mind. “You’ll hate me.” He managed.

 

Despite not saying anything, it was almost like she understood. She set her computer on the coffee table, more tears running down his mom's tired face. “Oh, Evan…”

 

“You should.” Evan forced a smile and he didn’t know why. He didn’t know what he was doing anymore. Suddenly, he just wanted her to _understand_ so he could talk to someone who wasn’t a ghost, who’d help him, who’d… _but what if she doesn’t want to?_ A voice said in the back of his mind. He couldn’t tell if it was Connor’s or his own. _What if it makes her hate you even more?_ “If you knew what I tried to do.” Evan kept talking, tears running down his face as he looked away from his mother. “If you knew who I am, how… broken I am…”

 

His mom moved like she wanted to get up and hug him. Evan didn’t know if he wanted her to hug him, but the thought made him sad. It felt like… he didn’t know. He couldn’t think clearly. Evan shut his eyes, a sob shaking his chest as his head fell to his chest. “I already know you. And I love you.” His mom said softly.

 

Slowly, Evan sat down on the couch, as far from his mom as possible because he didn’t want to inconvenience her, but he didn’t think he could stand anymore. “I’m so sorry…” He mumbled.

 

“I can promise you, someday all do this… this will all feel like a very long time ago.” His mom moved as if she wanted to get closer to him, as if she wanted to touch him. It settled in his mind that maybe Evan wanted her to hug him, to do _anything_ so he’d know he was still there, that he was still… alive.

 

Her words settled in his mind, delayed, like everything else because Evan was just so fucking _exhausted_. It didn’t make sense- how could this seem like a long time ago? How could it all just… disappear? It didn’t seem possible. Slowly, he looked down, shaking his head as more tears ran down his face. “I don’t know…”

 

His mom was silent for a few moments. The silence wasn’t like the one at the Murphy’s or the one at the park. It was… different. Evan couldn’t figure out why, but he liked this silence much much more. It was… calmer. More comfortable. Finally, she spoke. “Your dad… do you remember the day he drove by to get his things?” “It was a few weeks after he’d moved out. Temporarily, we’d said…”

 

She smiled sadly at him before continuing to talk, to tell him the story he’d known about but always been too scared to ask for more. About how Dad moved away, leaving Evan alone with his mother without any sort of clue or word to either of them. How Evan wondered if she would disappear one day, if a big truck would come and take her too. How she had promised that it wouldn’t. That she’d always be there for him…

 

Evan shut his eyes tightly. He didn’t know if he truly believed it- after all, he had driven everyone else away- but… for tonight, he couldn’t help but want to believe it. In a way, mom understood… They weren’t the same- at all-, but if his mom could think that then… then maybe Evan could too. And she would help him. His mom wasn’t going anywhere. She’d stay and help him through the big problems and small ones, no matter what… right?

 

Evan opened his eyes, tears clouding his vision and he just let it go. He choked back a sob and fell into his mother's arms. And she just held him, gently brushing his hair with her fingers, holding him with careful and calm and warm and safe arms. She didn’t say anything and he was grateful for that. He didn’t want anyone to say anything. He just wanted to stay where he was, safe in his mother’s arms because she would protect him from school, from the Connor Project, from the Murphy’s, and from himself.

 

If he could have, Evan would have fallen asleep like that. He didn’t realize how much he had wanted his mom to hug him, to be there, to keep him safe, and it made him feel a little better- somehow, after all that had happened in a few short hours, his mom had made it not hurt as much. But he had to deal with this… sooner or later. Not by running away. He would fix this. Somehow.

 

Slowly, Evan pulled back from his mom’s embrace. She didn’t stop him. She grasped his hand in hers for a moment and smiled at him. “You’ll see. I promise.”

 

He smiled a little back and stood up. And Evan tried to believe it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so so much for reading! Please leave any and all feedback!
> 
> So I posted this a while ago (just this) and then decided to build a whole fic about it (the musical from Evan’s POV). I’m done with that (just need to post the final chapter) and still, the part I’m most proud of is this. I wanted to post it individually again, but if this interests you, go ahead to my page. It’s called Did I Even Make A Sound? I’m really proud of it and it would mean so much to me if you went and took a look at it :)
> 
> Also, everything will be okay. Take a deep breath. Do something that you enjoy. Take care of yourself. Take just a minute to breathe and enjoy where you are. It’ll get better. I promise.


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